ask-zelda
elise sax elise sax

Grandma Zelda Burger, a character in the Matchmaker Series, is a no-nonsense matchmaker with an uncanny sixth sense. Fashion horse, junk food addict, and homebody, she doles out advice on dating, love, and other life issues with a Yiddish accent. Send your questions to me at elisesax@gmail.com, and I will try to get Zelda to answer them. I will post answers here about once a week.


Dear Zelda,
I'm ready to give up. I've gone out with every selfish jerk loser in a hundred mile radius. There's no one good out there. Will I ever find love?
     —Fed Up

Dear Fed Up,
Like my mother used to say: "You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince." But on the other hand, if you kiss a lot of frogs, you'll wind up with warts and probably a cold sore or two. So, now's the time to take a deep breath and slow it down. You've put yourself out there, but maybe you are attracting and are attracted to the wrong frogs. Believe me, there are still good ones out there and even a few princes. I see them every day in my line of work. Good guys looking for love. They're kissing their share of frogs, too, dolly. So, change it up! Go to different places, wear different outfits, change your attitude and your mind. The only way to make a change in your love life is to make a change. And by the way, I have a feeling about you. You will find love...
     —Zelda


Dear Zelda,
My boyfriend wants to make love with the lights on, but I don't want him to see all my body's flaws. How do I get him to be happy with the lights off?
     —What You Don't Know Won't Hurt You

Dear What You Don't Know Won't Hurt You,
I hate to tell you this, but your boyfriend already knows what you look like with the lights on. Men don't need light to know that a woman's boobs droop, her thighs are plentiful, and her butt has more dimples than butt. Men know. I'm assuming by your question that he has already more than a passing acquaintance with your body, even in the dark. If he wants the lights on, it's because he really appreciates you. He wants to see you in all your glory. So flaunt it, bubeleh. Flaunt it! Strut your stuff and leave him begging for more. Phew. Is it hot in here?
     —Zelda


Dear Zelda,
My daughter is finally going to start dating, again, after getting divorced last year. I offered to take her shopping for a new outfit for her first date, but she says she's just going to wear something comfortable. I want her to look nice, but she says if she feels comfortable, she will be more attractive than if she was wearing something fancy. How do I convince her to let me dress her?
     —Julie

Dear Julie,
First of all, I want you to know that you are completely right. No man in the history of the world has given a hoot if a woman's clothes are comfortable or not. Men want women in high heels and tight skirts, and they don't waste a second worrying if their possible soul mate has blisters on her toes or if the button on her waistband is digging into her belly. So, if your daughter wants to make an impression, she needs to throw away the fakakta yoga pants, put a couple Bandaids on her feet and seize the day on her first date. But Julie, you are not going to take her shopping. YOU are going to stay out of it and bite your tongue. At most, you are going to give her money to buy her own outfit. This is your daughter's journey, not yours. She has to make her own mistakes and victories. So, stay out of it. Don't be a yenta. Get your shoulder ready for her to cry on, but don't say "I told you so." I know it's hard. No one ever said being a mother was easy. It starts with labor and gets harder from there.
     —Zelda


Dear Zelda,
I'm pretty sure the neighbor watches me when I garden in the front yard, and he's really cute. How do I get his attention?
     —Karen

Dear Karen,
If he's watching you garden, bubeleh, you've already gotten his attention, unless he's just trying to get gardening tips. If you're reasonably sure he's not a serial killer or a peeping Tom, the next time you weed or prune, wave and say hi. Maybe offer him an iced tea. I have a feeling he'll accept. You already know he's a homeowner. That's better than 90% of the shnorers out there, let me tell you. Tend this garden, and love will bloom.
     —Zelda